Impressionable Indians!

Living abroad always gives us a different perspective on a lot of things. We suddenly become more aware of our surroundings than when we are at home. We begin to notice trivial aspects in a new surrounding. We either appreciate things or we loathe them. More often than not, we criticise things that we cannot identify with. We don’t accept what we cannot relate to. We are blind to opinions, tastes, preferences of the native people. We assume that we have a right to our way wherever we go!
We take immense trouble to impress people who aren’t from the same place as we are. At the same time, we neglect, intentionally, about our fellow countrymen. We are strongly bound to our insecurities. We have our fists clenched tight. We are scared stiff that if we share something to someone, we would be left behind. That we would lose everything if we share something. Even just a little bit. We are just a bunch of scaredy cats. Sure, familiarity breeds contempt. But then why is it so hard to accept the other person for who he is? Why is it so hard to just live and let live? About 2 years ago when I lived in England as a student, I had faced very similar situations. Things haven’t changed one bit even now. Only the country has changed. The people I am living with are different. But their behaviour is very much the same.It’s the same what I had experienced in a different country with different people. It’s a sad situation. I wish I was very insecure too. I wish I held on to my fears.

For those who support “anti corruption” rallies and those who celebrate Independence day, ask yourself some questions. Are you free from your own insecurities? Are you really independent? Are you honest to yourself? Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Make mistakes and learn from them. Laugh at your mistakes. Don’t be afraid to try something new. Let go of your insecurities. Your hate. Your selfishness. Your ego. Be the change you want to see. How hard can it be?

Tag?

Finally. Fuck. I mean fin-fucking-ally I managed to blog after god alone knows how long! I do sound like a pro-ketpan.wordpress.com

Anyway, Ketan had sent an email several weeks ago about tagging me on his blog. For a moment I really thought he'd lost his marbles for doing that. I mean seriously. Why would someone tag me or mention my stupid blog to the world. I, for one, don't give a damn about my own bloody blog. I mean not that I hate it. I was on a roll at one point in time. I could bring myself to write some sensible stuff. But not now.

Ketan was one fellow who encouraged me to blog. Despite knowing the fact that my "work" was not meaningful or insightful to say the least. I guess he got some kick out of that! But unfortunately it didn't work very well on me. Having become a full time procrastinatist-Oh yeah baby! I just made that shit up, I found it nearly impossible to write on my stupid blog! All his sincere efforts to persuade me to blog didn't bear any fruit. Sorry about that Homie!

Anyway, here goes. Thanks a ton for tagging me and making me look like a fucking fool! Lol. Shit I am funny. Hope this goes down well with you and your readers. I seem to provoke random people very easily! Lol!

Seriously, I really admire Ketan for his passion for blogging! I'm pretty sure one day, perhaps RGV or KJo or Sanjay Leela Bansali will come up with a Hindi version of 'The social network' which will be based on Ketan's blog! Then we all will get a free ticket and popcorn to watch a fucked up Hindi movie! I'm sure it won't be very romantic with Ketan dry humping some ugly ass fucking size zero kapoor female! For all you know it might be a size zero laptop on which Ketan writes his blog! Lol. Do I say too much?

Now about the 15 honest things about myself..ummm..Let me see.

1) I hate liars. Both men and women. I just fucking hate liars.

I won't elaborate on each point because I don't think I need to justify everything. My way or no way! Hahaha

2) When I care for someone, I really do. I swear I do. I might become a little sexual about it but then its part of the game I guess! Sigh.

3) I went streaking in the middle of the night in England when the temperature outside was -2 degrees. Of course there was a Greek chick with me! And yes she streaked with me! And yes it felt good.

4) I have a weakness for curly haired women. So all you curlies babes, whatcha waitin' fo! :P

5) Ok fine I'll be honest, I also have a weakness for natural boobs-size doesn't matter, lovely lips, nice voice, nice waxed hands and legs, intelligence, black eyes, nice smile, oh yeah a hot ass too!

6) I love scale models of cars. Especially 1:18 models by AutoArt.

7) Shit I can't think of any more honest things.

8) Ummm..next!

9) Ummm...

10) Ok I swear I can't think of any more honest things. Sigh.

11) Oh and I love independent women. I have the greatest admiration and respect for women who work. Be it a Doctor, Engineer, Nurse etc.

Now I do not know any other bloggers to write about them or mention their blogs so I'll let this pass.

Why?

Dear Mister Top Cop,

I don't know where to start from. But let me try. I have recently revived my dead social life, thanks to some lovely friends. And these days, I've been regularly hanging out at lounges, discos, clubs, pubs and the likes. I hope you know what people do at these places. People, mostly youth, come there to enjoy the music and dance away like its nobody's business. Its good fun, Sir. Mark my words. You should try it too. You will love it. Along with your very beautiful wife. Perhaps, you might lose your pot belly and look fit and fine. But sadly, you don't have a social life. All thanks to your hard work in keeping crooks and rowdies off the street [no pun intended]. You are busy taking rude auto rickshaw drivers to task who charge a little too much all the time. Sadly, you are not successful in doing that either. But we appreciate your sincere effort in doing so. You are busy cracking down on piracy also. Instead of arresting the kingpin[s],you arrest poor fellows on the footpath who stack bundles of pirated DVDs of all types of movies and sell them for dirt cheap prices. I have never bought a movie from one of them, but I hear the quality of the print isn't great. So I'd recommend you to download movies and music via uTorrent. Its faster and better also. I've been doing that for years now and I have a very good collection. Anyway, I was just wondering, why don't think a bit differently. I mean, think like a modern human being. Why are you so insecure about us dancing all night long? Why do you want us to go home at 11:30PM sharp? Why not 11:25PM? Why don't you focus your energy on more important things, such as crime rate, illegal activities, atrocities on women in slum areas? Why not do something which will win our hearts? Why do you want us to stop dancing at 11:30PM? Do you know something sir, life starts at 11:30PM in most part of the world and usually doesn't end for the next 12 hours or so. Why are you so ancient in your outlook, sir? I remember watching an episode on a news channel and you spoke like a complete retard. When the journalist asked, what is wrong in shaking a leg, your reply made me throw up for the next 3 hours or so. You said, " Shake your leg while sitting at the dining table". I mean, are you sure you are not suffering from any mental disorder? Or do you know what shaking a leg means?

To be continued..

The graveyard

The year was 2000.I was in the 10th grade. Every Sunday morning I would wake up early and get ready for the tuition classes at 12pm. And I used to go to Venky’s tuitions back in school. I still shudder when I recall those days. On one Sunday morning, as usual I woke up early got ready and revised the lessons so to avoid getting whacked by His [un]Holiness for not being able to answer his questions. The day was bright. I felt good. I had studied well. I felt he couldn’t whack me for answering the questions. So I got ready and I took the usual route to the bus stop. I walked through a now nonexistent graveyard so as to reach the main road quickly. I had done this for years. That particular morning while I was passing through the graveyard, I noticed a skull and a few bones of some dead human being lying around. The bones were probably lying there for a few days. Or weeks. I don’t know. I panicked. It looked so gory back then. Something told me a partial skeleton lying in this fashion was not right. I felt there could have been a murder a few days ago and the body decomposed and all that remained was the skull and the few bones. Back in high school I was in love with Forensic science. I was crazy about it. I knew something was wrong. I had to go to the police station which was a good 3 km away. Back then I didn’t have a cell phone. So I couldn’t call anyone for help. And the bus that I usually take to tuition passed right in front of the police station. So I took the bus which arrived just seconds after I managed to reach the stop. I was puffing and panting. I had to act fast. I kept thinking I had discovered a crime and I was going to help the police crack the murder. I did act fast. I was still puffing and panting even when the disgruntled bus conductor asked me where I wanted to go. I told him police station. He nodded and asked for 3 rupees. I pulled out a 50 rupee note and thrust it in his hands. He flatly refused to give me change. I could barely conjure words to explain I didn’t have change. I kept pleading him. And he just ignored me. Luckily one middle aged gentleman asked me if I wanted change. I managed to say yes and he paid for the ticket. I couldn’t thank him enough for the help. He asked me if I was alright. By now I could breathe a bit more easily so I explained that a murder had taken place a few days ago and that the bones were scattered around. The gentleman panicked and said not to worry and go call the police. The bus screeched to a halt in front of the police station. I thanked him and jumped off the bus and ran straight into the reception where I was greeted by a stern looking constable. He asked me nonchalantly what the matter was. I was very nervous because I’d never uttered the words “dead body”, “murder”, and “skeleton” in a serious tone. I mustered courage and told him that a murder had taken place close to my place and that there were a few bones scattered around. It was then that I managed to capture his attention. He immediately pulled out a register and started asking me questions. I obliged and when I was asked which class I was studying in and who my class teacher was, I felt that was way too much detail one could be asked for. I thought how does it matter who my class teacher was or which section I belonged to. I felt that was unnecessary and a waste of time. But I had no more courage left to protest at that. So I sheepishly gave all the unnecessary details he was worming out of me. Then a fat policeman came toward me and asked me even more details. I gave him the most accurate description of the “crime scene”! He asked me if the body was male or female. I had told him it was just bones and there was no way of finding out the gender. I told him there was no skin, hair, teeth etc. It was just bones and that’s it. I was irritated when the cop asked me if the body was male or female. I raised my voice and told him the same thing again. He somehow understood. I felt relieved I was not going to get arrested for shouting at a cop. He then went in and a few minutes later he asked me to show him the “crime scene”. I hoped onto his rusty police scooter and directed him to the exact spot. We arrived at the spot and even before he’d stopped his scooter, I jumped off and ran pointing toward the bones. He parked his scooter, unclipped his helmet and started scanning the “crime scene”. At the same moment my neighbour’s driver happened to pass by the same spot and he recognized me and asked me what was going on. I was in no mood to speak to him and the cop suddenly started yelling at me. Before I knew it the driver joined in chorus and stated that those bones were dug up by some dogs and that he’d seen them lying around for several weeks! The cop was controllably furious at me for wasting his time!
The driver added fuel to the fire and laughed when I told him it was a murder. The policeman was mighty pissed off at that point! I just could not believe I was so silly and I imagined that there was a murder all thanks to my passion I had for forensic science! I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die! I had nowhere to hide my face! And all this happened in about an hour.
I usually left home 2 hours before the start of the classes as Venky was just waiting for one of us to come late so that he could satiate his carnal desire of whacking us for coming late. So I never took any chance and used to leave home early. Luckily after all this drama I still had an hour to go and the bus journey to the class was about 30 minutes and another 5 minute walk from the bus stop to the class. Luckily I managed to reach the class with 20 odd minutes to spare and I joined my friends who were busy mugging formulae and what not while I was still red with embarrassment and I gulped a bottle of water and felt like I wish I could drown in the water instead of embarrassment!

Dear Lord,

Kindly give me the courage,
The strength,
The power
To pick up the shards
Of my broken heart
And move on.
I ask you,
With humility
And surrender
My existence
Unto you.
I pray,
I shed a tear
Every moment
Of my life.
Give me the courage,
And the wisdom.
I seek forgiveness,
For my misdeeds,
For my foolishness,
For my naivety,
For losing the love that I was once filled with.
My heart,
Barren,
Lonely,
And hurt,
Cannot suffer anymore.
Not anymore.
What I have lost,
Is irreplaceable.
Precious,
Rare,
And cherished.
Will I ever be blessed,
To experience,
What you once blessed me with.
I cannot let go,
Of what I once had,
Supreme love.
Oh dear lord,
Dear creator,
Accept this humble flower,
I place upon your sacred feet.
I kneel on my fragile knees,
In silent prayer,
Longing to be pardoned.
I pray.
I pray.

Gandhigiri

Ok I've been continuously ill for like nearly 15 days. And I was nearly on my death bed until a few days ago. I'll try to recount the exact sequence of events that happened which led to me being severely ill. A week before I came back here, I was down with dust allergy. I kept sneezing even while flying and I was worried if I would be caught by the mean Airport officers and shooed back to India. How I wish they actually did. But that didn't happen. I landed in London and stayed put at my friend's place for a day before setting off to my place which is like 200 miles away. For all you dumb asses that is 200*1.6=320KM. So I reached home the next evening and was totally taken aback at what I was seeing. Right before my eyes was a coffin for a bedroom. Both my fellow esteemed room mates had gladly chosen the bigger, cleaner, airer rooms for themselves and left the coffin for a bedroom for me. I could barely take three steps before reaching the boundary of the coffin. I took a while to let the dust settle in my mind. And in this case, in my "bedroom" as well. Tired from a 5 hour bus journey I decided to relax for a bit and then unpack my stuff. Relax I tried but a few minutes later my nostrils warned me that this coffin was indeed a very dusty place and had to be cleaned immediately. So I acted promptly and got the vacuum cleaner to clean up the coffin. Clean up I did. It was dinner time, ordered pizza. Cursed the guy who made it. And the owner of the house. And finally retired to my coffin. My nostrils warned me again. I told myself you've just recovered from common cold, so you won't fall ill again. I kept tossing and turning the whole night through while my fellow esteemed room mates were busying jacking off watching porn before snoring away to glory. I had decided to not protest my way. My way being bringing the roof down. Which I'm not very proud off once the roof is actually down. So I decided to tolerate it and tried to adjust. But then my body didn't agree. The coughing persisted. The sneezing multiplied. Sometimes I sneezed so fast you would need a ultra high speed camera to see the coughing in slo-mo. My fellow esteemed roomies failed to see this. Obviously they were ignoring. Why? Because the narrow minded regionalist cunts that they are. I had to finally break the silence and tell them look dude this place is a fucking mess. I need help to clean this shit hole. One of them agrees to help me out. But that didn't turn into action. Until two days later.

That night after a night out, I came back at 6 in the morning and slept the remaining hours before I had to hit work. So I finish work in the evening and came back home. I was dead tired. The coffin still pretty dusty by my nostrils' standards. I had to put up with it. The coughing had worsened by now. I knew something was wrong. I knew it was because of sleeping in that dingy coffin. There was no air circulation because it had just one window which, if you open, a lot of dust and cold air comes in, and if you don't, the air doesn't circulate. Both do no good for anyone. My immunity had gone for a holiday. My fellow esteemed smart roomies still don't believe me I'm actually sick.

Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce the best part of the whole story.

I couldn't take it anymore. I was cold. I had fever, cough, headache, body ache, lost my appetite. And I foolishly slept again in the same place. The next morning I was just a bag of bones. Then finally it dawned on one of them roomies that I was actually ill! I decided to protest in a different way. Not that I consciously thought of not creating a scene, which I usually do if I don't see any justice. I managed to drag the bed down the stairs and flung it across the hall. And tripped. I looked like a newly born calf with unsteady limbs. I was mighty fucking pissed. So I decided you know what fuck you bastards I will sleep here for the next six motherfucking months because I'm tired of this! There was no way of me going back to that coffin even after I recovered. By body wouldn't magically become Arnold's once I recovered!

That didn't go down well with one of the cunts. He is this fat lazy son of a bitch who is so fucking bent on playing his motherfuckingsonofabitch video games all day long! It so happened that his big LCD fucking TV and all his gaming fucking shit was in the hall and I had been in bed for an entire day without food, Oh which reminds me of another thing but I'll come to it soon, no food not enough water nothing. So it kind of made him uncomfortable because he at least had the common sense he couldn't play his motherfuckingsonofabitch games because I was in the same hall. Ok before I forget, let me mention what I wanted to talk about. Food. These cunts prepared yummy hot food for themselves and they serve me cold rice with colder scrambled eggs. Oh and before and after that I didn't even get that. Fuck it now. So the next day when I was in bed again it made him extremely restless because he hadn't jacked off the night with his fucking video games. The following night when I was staring at the roof blankly our game fucking freak comes slyly and whisks away his junk to his room! I felt relieved. Only for a bit though. What followed was nightmare again. The low pitched bass emanating from the fucking speakers was actually giving me a real headache! I mean literally! I tried taking tablets thinking I had a headache because of the fever and all that. But then no amount of tablets cured my problem. Then finally I just casually asked the cunt funk to tone down the bass because I could so clearly make out the deep humming sound. He agrees. What happened next was a miracle from heaven! The headache actually disappeared a few minutes later! I just couldn't believe my eyes/ears! I cursed him that much more for making me suffer the whole day! And I told him dude your speakers were giving me a headache! To which our fat mo-fo says " I can't help it!" I just deleted that message and turned in feeling light headed! The next day I somehow managed to drag myself to my first day at class. Unfortunately we had an entire day dedicated to learning. I came back home at around 7pm and was shocked again to see my stuff back in the coffin and not in the hall! The fat mo-fo had moved his junk down and cleaned up the coffin for me! I was like, Awwwwwwwwwww you sweet lil cunningsonofabitch! He couldn't stay without his junk just for a day! And I knew there was no going back to that coffin. So I stayed up till late and then dragged the mattress down again and slept the night coughing. But I felt slightly stronger. I could prepare my own breakfast. Oh and I hadn't had breakfast in like nearly 4 days! Never mind. Yeah so I woke up went to University and out of the blue I get a call! It was the most important call of my life. The call was from none other than the fat mo-fo! I answered the call and I never expected to hear what I heard! The fat mo-fo says will you shift to my room and let me occupy the hall! I was like what the fuck!!!!!!!! I see this as Gandhi-giri, even though I never actually intended to do any sort of Gandhi-giri! I just didn't want to give a fuck that's it! But look it worked! It really worked! Gandhi-giri actually works people! Yipeeeeeeeeee!

Yawn

I had many things on my mind that I wanted to blog about in the last one-month or so. However, I was swinging between sober days and pissed drunken nights regularly. Therefore, I hardly had any time to pull myself together and blog. But on the days and nights when I wasn’t [too] drunk I was too involved taking pictures of wild life and domestic life and life with no life and that sort of thing. The last one month has been a crazy wild time for me. Caught between everything I just did not know what to do. Therefore, to decide what to do, I had to turn to alcohol. However, that did not help either. Nevertheless, I do not regret that at all. I had one of the best times in the recent past. Now the time has come for me to go back to the shit hole in less than four days. So I thought this is the best time for me to pull myself together and blog about all the things that I had on my mind before I go back to the shit hole. It is pouring right now in Bangalore and I totally love the weather. However, the internet is acting like a psycho bitch again so I am not able to access the internet. Nevertheless, I see that as a good thing because if the internet were not acting like a psycho bitch then I would have a reason to not blog and post pone my blog until god alone knows when. Therefore, I seized the opportunity with both my hands, switched off the modem, opened this Microsoft Office Word document, took a deep breath, and began punching the keyboard. I am already beginning to feel good about what I have done. Anyway, I have realized I am frustrated in life already. I am just in my mid 20s if you must know. If you find that hot, and if you are a woman with in your mid 30s then kindly send me an email if you are interested in a one-night stand. Oh and I am a virgin. So I do not have enough [s]experience. However, you do not have to worry I can handle your extreme, multiple orgasms. Ok let us not get into all that. Please pardon the profanities that will soon follow. If you think it is unwarranted, unnecessary then please scroll your mouse across your monitor and you will find a tiny “X” symbol at the top right corner of this webpage. When you successfully find the symbol, please click on it and get the fuck out of my blog. Thank you for your kind cooperation.


So the latest news is that yet another bunch of Indians are “racially attacked” in Australia. Why can’t us Indians just come back to our shit land instead of getting fucked racially all the time in Shitstralia..oh shit sorry I mean Australia. Anyway, as usual we will never learn anything from our mistakes or from anyone’s mistakes for that matter. Go India! Jai ho!


Mayawati spends crores of the taxpayers’ dough on life-less statues all over her poverty-stricken state. In a way, you can think of it as a good way to keep the sculptors in the state occupied in the times like these. Again, once the statues are completed I do not think anyone will benefit from looking at them. Only the sculptors will make good money. Of course, it will inflate our Maya-ji’s big fat Dalit ego. However, the Supreme Court knocked some sense into her and said, “You bitch you better stop hoodwinking us and put an end to the fucking shit that you are doing with your fucked up statues”. Moreover, our Maya-ji said “Theek hain Saab we will stop but I’m fucking warning you if anyone demolishes the parks and memorials I swear I’ll fuck all of you until the President says enough is enough”.

Supreme Court response awaited.


For decades, our beloved Netas and babus travelled the whole world in First class/ Business class as the case maybe even to the most remote part of the world. However, out of the blue our Sonia “firang” Gandhi says [in a heavy Italian turned fake Indian accent obviously] “Arre hum bhi Economy class main chalta hain”! And poof! Her son and all the other Bakhras follow sari..oops sorry I mean suit!
I was wondering, why the fuck was the bitch travelling in First/business class all these years? Poor Sonia-ji. Must be running out of public money to spend on herself. Tsk tsk.
And the best part is, no one seems to fucking realize we are still treated like dumb fucks and live in a made to order..I mean made to believe society filled with such rotten shit. Sigh. My heart sinks in misery when I realize my return ticket says “Economy class”. Sigh. How I wish I could upgrade to First or Business class.

If you wish to make a donation to help me travel in comfort for once, kindly send me your bank details. Nevertheless, do not send your money to Nigerians. They will only empty your bank balance without saying thanks. I will say Thank you so much dude in return. Choice is yours.

Rakhi Sawant is in the news again. I hope her next show is called Rakhi ka Suhaag raat. More than wanting to see a naked Rakhi, I want to see that dumb fuck’s face when he is inside that silicone scumbag. He sure must have balls made of wrought [rot] iron and a missing brain and eyes to marry such a gorgeous item girl. Way to go mister CanadianBusinessmanwillingtosettledowninaamchimumbaijusttohumpaitemwhore. We are awaiting torrent links to your leaked sex tapes. Ooops sorry sex tv shows.

Pakistan continues to deny the involvement of its own citizens in the 26/11 attacks. Because they are having a blast all the time! :P I hope you got the drift.

I hope you also realize this blog lacks direction that most other blogs have. I have to blame it on the unpredictable nature of life. I do not have anything meaningful in my mind right now to share with you. At least I’m being honest. Kindly appreciate that at least.

More meaningless news will soon be updated.